Sex often hurts even when I'm very turned on. When I'm not, it can be excruciating. Most of the time it takes about 24 hours from the first sexual advance for me to feel ready, and even then there's no guarantee that my body will cooperate. When I'm aroused but my body doesn't want to play along, lube helps. When I'm not, there's not enough Sliquid in the world.
I wasn't, and I should have said no.
Why didn't I? There are many reasons.
- Chris was vulnerable. After years of his sexual advances being rejected, he doesn't make them very often anymore. I appreciate when he does take the risk, and I want him to know that. I didn't want to reject him again.
- Conflict avoidance is also a big part of why I didn't say no. Chris always respects my decision, but it's not easy feeling rejected over and over, and he has not always been nice about it. There have been some ugly things said in the past.
- Guilt.
- Shame.
- Defiance. "Normal" women can have sex whether they feel like it or not and it works out just fine. It's estimated that one third of North American women have low sex drive, and yet the majority of those women continue to have sex with their partner. Obviously I can do it if I just make my mind up. (Except, I can't.)
We talked about it, and it is a sign of how far we've come that it didn't turn into a fight. We didn't blame each other - him blaming me for being this way, me blaming him for not knowing to stop/not start. We are in this together, working through it. In some ways I felt it was a good thing.
A month or two later, I tried to initiate sex. I'd been really making an effort to increase my sex drive by trying to think about sex a lot, reading erotica, trying to masturbate. It was working, I wanted to have sex.
Chris said no.
It sent me into a tailspin. I felt ashamed and extremely vulnerable. My attempt had not been subtle at all - I was wearing lingerie and waiting at the door. When he said no, I felt exposed in every sense of the word. I had spent the whole afternoon making sure I would be ready, I'd been planning the attempt for days. I looked hot, I felt hot, I was hot. And then I was very, very cold.
When we talked about it, Chris said that he just didn't want to have sex. The last time had been too much, he didn't want to hurt me like that, didn't want to risk it going wrong again. It's not like we've only had that one painful experience. When we were in marriage counseling he said that he could always tell when it was painful, even when I didn't say anything, and that he hated that sex with him was so unpleasant for me. He'd made the decision that taking sex out of the equation would be the best thing for our marriage. There was no blame, no anger, just a decision he'd come to.
I respected his choice, and appreciated the kind and respectful way he presented it to me. But I wasn't happy about it. I felt like it was further evidence of my "permanently damaged" status.
The next day I visited Babeland. $300 later I put my credit card back in my wallet and sat back. There's something to say for retail therapy, and I needed a replacement for my Mini Gallant anyway.
- Lap of Luxury kit, with the Form 6 vibrator, a bottle of Entice lube, three condoms, and a small bottle of toy cleaner
- Porn Starter kit, with The Smart Girl's Guide to Porn and two DVDs - Stuntgirl and Velvet Thrust
- Heidi's Bedtime Stories
- Best Women's Erotica '07
- Best of the Best Women's Erotica
I've never watched porn before. I've seen some pretty hot sex scenes in movies, but I've never seen an actual pornographic movie. One of the chapters in the Smart Girl's Guide has to do with what to do for your first porn experience. She recommends setting the scene by taking a bath or shower, making sure there are no distractions, and having lube, a toy, a towel and the remote handy. I have tomorrow off, so I think I'll make my first foray into the world of porn. Velvet Thrust looks a little less intimidating than Stuntgirl, based on the box.
Obviously, retail therapy is not going to solve the problem. And it would be easy to get into a pattern of using erotica/porn (assuming the porn turns me on) without ever addressing the underlying issues. Still, sex is supposed to be fun! It can't be all serious, all the time.
I will report back on the porn.
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