Re-think

Twelve or thirteen, awkward, inexperienced.  Fumbling on an old couch in a dark living room.  Skirt, tights, panties - an inconvenient arrangement.  Nervous, desperate for affirmation.  

"Will you have sex with me?"

Pause... Conflicted...

"Can I be your girlfriend?"

"Sure."

"Okay..."

"Actually, no thanks."

.

All I've ever felt about that was the shame and humiliation of my tearful retreat.  

There's a lot going on there - a lot of things that clearly lead to nowhere good.  Why did I think sex was a bargaining chip at such a young age?  Why was I so willing to use myself like that?  

For now, it's enough that I just realized what I should have said after he said "No."

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I've hated him for years for making me feel so small and ugly and unwanted.  

As I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, critical of every imperfection, I realized he didn't make me feel anything.  He wasn't very nice, but he didn't force this on me.  It was there already, just waiting for a catalyst.

Rather than feeling upset about this, I feel relieved.  It was me, all along!  If it's me, then I can take responsibility for it.  I can own my own sexuality, rather than viewing it as a fractured whole, each piece held by some event or person in the past.

That seems like a pretty big re-think to me.