Relax already

Just over a week ago I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't think about sex, I couldn't masturbate, I couldn't watch porn, I couldn't write about sex, I couldn't read about sex, I couldn't do anything related to sex.  Nothing.  There was a big wall, and I slammed into it a few times before I gave up.

Giving up was awesome.  I went back to myself.  Sex didn't even cross my mind for days at a time and I loved it.  I know myself when I feel like that, it's comfortable and welcoming.  I thought about the blog, but I didn't feel right about posting the daily grind.  That's not the point, and it would be easy to just do that and pretend that I never had a lofty, important goal when I started this thing (oh these many... err... weeks, ago.)

It turns out my wall may have been partially hormonal, but I suspect it was also a lot of change all at once.  I was attempting to go from zero to sixty in not a lot of time.

However, even though my time over the last little bit hasn't been sex-focused at all, it was not wasted.  I've made a doctor's appointment, and on Wednesday I'll be going in for the meet-and-greet.  My plan is to lay my cards on the table right up front, no dithering and pretending nothing's wrong.  

I'm going to say something along the lines of - "I haven't had a physical in almost three years, because the last time I did it hurt so much I cried.  Every time I've had a physical since I was about 19, it's been incredibly painful.  I also suffer from sexual dysfunction, which is at least partially related to the pain.  I want to find out what's wrong, so I would like to get my hormone levels checked, my thyroid, all the standard blood work.  I am phobic of needles, so if we can do everything in one session that would be awesome.  My last doctor thought I was a hypochondriac and told me everything was in my head.  She may be right, but I want to rule out physical causes as well."

I am not going to be brushed off this time.  I allowed my previous doctor to make me feel really stupid, and I wasn't able to take myself seriously for a long time.  This time, I'm going to wear my Wonder Woman shirt, my Wonder Woman belt buckle and my Wonder Woman purse.  Inside my purse I am going to put my Buffy gum-tin, and surely some of the awesome will rub off on me.

I also made a call to find a counsellor in my area.  I've been having anxiety attacks again, and I suspect they're related to the sex stuff.  Since the anxiety spiked at the same time my ability to deal with sex plummeted, I don't think it's such a stretch to see a link.  (Although I do think the cause and effect may be a bit murky.)

I also decided that the giving up was temporary.  It was a breather, not a surrender.  This is an important process, and although I am not totally defined by my sexuality, I want to be comfortable with it.