Reclaiming Your Sexual Self

Reclaiming Your Sexual Self has been sitting on my bookshelf for years now.  Like so many of the books I've purchased, I never read it.  I was collecting the tools necessary to deal with the problem, but never using them.  Reading about "how you can bring desire back into your life" is an admission that desire is lacking.  Although it's obvious that it is lacking, it's so hard to say it out loud.  Taking action is a scary thing.  Looking yourself in the mirror and saying "I have a problem, I want to fix it" is so very, very difficult.  This is true regardless of the problem.

I picked it up last night.  I couldn't deal with For Yourself - I don't have a handheld mirror, for one thing, and anyway I'm supposed to be answering some questions at this point.  The questions are difficult, and it had been a long day.  I'm committed to this thing, though, so I wanted to do something.  

I'm glad I picked it up, because it is fantastic.  I'm into chapter four now, and have even had the highlighter out.  Her description of what this is like really struck a chord for me.  

"Feeling asexual in a sexual world is a difficult and alienating experience.  It's like living in a foreign country and not speaking the language or being the only one not getting the joke.  Most people don't understand how upsetting it is to lack sexual passion for someone you love."  

It is alienating.  It is upsetting and difficult.  

The thing I like most about the book, though, is that it's not a pity party.  The tone is brisk and upbeat, encouraging.  She seems to say, "We've established that this is difficult, now let's move on."

There is a strong emphasis on finding balance.  Sexual desire does not exist in a vacuum - there is no bubble around a person's sexuality that separates it from the rest of their life.  My therapist also emphasized finding balance, especially in the mind-body connection.  The focus was on learning to listen to my body and accurately interpret what it was saying.

I am a very tense person, so much so that I once pulled a muscle in my jaw because I tensed up in anticipation of a needle.  Since adolescence I've had a tendency towards depression and self-destructive behaviour.  

I am also not very balanced, literally or figuratively.  Poor hand-eye coordination, lack of proprioception, weak immune system, almost constant pain (migraines, back/neck/shoulder pain, hip pain), lack of flexibility... These are all things I've lived with throughout my life, and are probably contributors to my lack of a healthy sexuality.

In chapter three of the book there is a quiz to help determine the possible source of the problem.  25 true or false questions.  My results:

- Control and Power, 3/7

- Intimacy, 3/8

- Sexual Self-Esteem, 3/7

- Stress, 2/6

- Unresolved Anger, 5/8

- Sexual Dysfunction, 6/6

- Trauma, 2/3

- Abuse, 0/1

As I was scoring myself, I had an interesting response.  At Stress, when I again scored less than half, my stomach knotted up and I almost stopped.  I had the intense and overwhelming feeling that I was just being ridiculous.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with me.  It's all in my head, as so many people have told me.  The numbers don't lie, and there's nothing there to indicate that there's a real problem.  I clearly do not really want to "fix" this, because there's nothing wrong.  I'm just frigid and I'll always be that way.

I'm glad I didn't stop, and I thought it was worth noting the response.  Negative self-talk is an extremely powerful force, the constant barrage of "you're so stupid, you're so ugly, you're so worthless" will undermine any attempt to heal.  I don't know what I would have done if all the results had come back indicating mild problems in a variety of areas but nothing definite.  I would like to think that I've become strong enough to look at it and say "there is a problem, and I am going to fix it."  But I'm not sure.  

It's hard to trust yourself when you feel constantly betrayed.  I feel like my body is a traitor, always working against me.  

The oppositional reflex is what keeps you upright when someone bumps against you.  It's what happens in tug-of-war.  It keeps you in balance, but it's a very tense, fragile balance.  There's no stability, and it is by nature reactive.  There is a very combative, oppositional relationship between my body and mind.  My mind says "I will beat you into submission" and my body says "fuck off."  Nobody wins.