Hello, penis (and goodbye porn virginity)

There I was, holding a tall stack of books with titles like "How To Have an Orgasm" and "Hot Monogamy." Across the aisle, the older gentleman I'd recently met at a seminar saw me. He had been in the children's section, which was mysteriously placed adjacent to the sexuality and self-help books. As he and his son came over to say hello, I quickly hugged the books to my chest, hoping that my skinny arms would hide the embarrassing titles. We chatted briefly, and neither of us acknowledged the books slowly sliding out of my clutches. I hiked them up a few inches as inconspicuously as possible.

As he walked away, I breathed a sigh of relief and glanced down - there, in bright pink letters, unmistakable and easily read at half a block's distance - Porn-o-pho-bic. Awesome. He totally didn't notice that at all.  

I have quite the collection of women's sexuality titles. I've bought everything from self-help to erotica, but I didn't have any porn, and to be honest I was a little afraid of it. Every experience with sexual dysfunction is different, and ranges from the medical to the emotional. For me there's a whole lot of shame and embarrassment bundled up in my dysfunction, and the idea of porn just seemed a little too intense. I'm trying to get over that shame so when I saw Ayn Carrillo-Gailey's book "Pornology" I had to buy it.  

It was my first foray into the world of porn. (Okay, it was actually someone else's foray into the world of porn, but that's a minor detail.) While my sister had been getting grounded for reading Playboy behind the house with the neighbour kids, I'd been cooped up inside dealing with depression and a serious case of outcast-itis. My sexuality developed in a bubble of isolation, misinformation, and some serious self-image problems. Although I couldn't relate to Carrillo-Gailey's light and breezy approach to sexuality, I loved reading about it. It was the first time I seriously thought about watching a porno.  

Months later, I was engaging in a little retail therapy at Babeland, and noticed the Porn Starter Kit in their gift section. A book, two DVDs... how could I go wrong? Hadn't I been waiting for just this opportunity?  

I clicked "Add to Cart" and waited for my package to arrive.  

When it did arrive, I almost threw a DVD in the player right away. I was nervous, excited, a little scared. What if I hated it? What if I loved it? What if it turned me on? What if it didn't? It could prove that I am totally normal, or it could prove that I'm some kind of frigid freak, totally incapable of arousal. The pressure was too much. I put the DVD under my nightstand and decided to read the book instead.  

I skipped ahead to the chapter "I was a porn virgin." I am a porn virgin, I thought. This is the chapter for me. One of the mandates was that prior to watching my first porn, I should get to know myself a bit. Grab a mirror, explore my girly bits, feel around for what feels good and what doesn't.  

Here's where I have to make a confession.  

I don't know how to masturbate.  

I know where my clit is. I think masturbation is awesome (for other people) and I definitely don't think it's dirty. I just don't like to touch myself. Touching myself feels weird. Touching myself sexually feels... vulnerable. It's silly because, what am I going to do? Dump myself if I go to third base? But I'm way more comfortable with a vibrator rather than my hands, and I'd prefer to leave the mirrors on the wall where they belong. Nobody needs to know what's going on down there. It's best left under the covers.  

So I skipped that bit of advice.  

I decided I'd watch my first porn on my next day off. I could handle it. How bad could it be? Lots of people don't like porn. If it didn't turn me on, all that would mean is that I don't like porn. And if I did like it, well, that would be great. Another tool in the toolbox, as it were.  

The big day arrived. A whole day off, booked especially for watching porn. Porn. Porn that was made for "women who love and enjoy men." Porn that was sure to arouse. Porn that would feature actual people having actual sex and actually getting off.  

I woke up with a massive headache and a seriously cranky mood. I did not want to watch porn. I did not want to think about sex. I wanted to just watch regular, safe, graphically violent TV and leave the sex in other people's bedrooms.  

Around noon I decided that I needed to watch the movie. I had a shower, put on my ugly blue bathrobe, took off my ugly blue bathrobe and put on my slinky black one, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, sat on my bed, went into the living room, went back upstairs to get the DVD, came downstairs, went back upstairs to get the book, came back downstairs, sat on the couch, got a glass of water, opened the DVD case, surfed the web, drank some water, got my vibrator and some lube, surfed the web some more, put the DVD in the player and sat on the couch. Took a deep breath. Pressed play. 

.  

It wasn't that bad. In fact, there were moments when it was hilarious and moments when it was truly arousing. That was a new and delightful combination for me. Laughing at sex, rather than laughing at myself! Feeling aroused. It was exciting.  

It was also graphic. Lots of penises, lots of vaginas! Not a lot of body hair. Although I am not nearly as toned (and definitely not as well-endowed) as the actresses, it was sort of liberating to see the variations in their appearance. I'm a little less frightened to look at myself, and I'm a little less worried about touching myself.  

Obviously I've got a long way to go. One porn movie can't fix years of dysfunction. But I do think it's a step on the path, one more experience that will help shake loose the confident, sexy, sensual woman that I have to believe is lurking inside this timid, repressed shell.  

Hello, gigantic penises! Bring on the facials!

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This was my first post over at BlogHer.

Velvet Thrust - first impressions

Holy fuck (ha!) those people are flexible.

Some of the oral sex looked both awkward and uncomfortable.  I did not understand the whole "shake head back and forth on clit" thing, although that may be lack of experience.  Also, sucking on the clit?  How is that not painful?  I am tragically inexperienced when it comes to cunnilingus, though, so I'm obviously not the best judge.

Most of the fellatio just looked awkward, but there was one scene where the girl seemed to really enjoy doing it, and that was hot.

There was more foreplay in any given scene than there has been in almost any of my sexual encounters.  That's sad.

I was very uncomfortable with the ejaculation scenes.  I do not understand the appeal.

The toy scenes were hot.  Except where the sleeve kept wanting to come off and he had to wrestle it back on.  That was just funny.

The scene where the guy kept pulling back too much and popping out, and the girl made surprised (but not in a sexy way) noises, was hilarious.  "Oooo, Ooooooh, Ooooo, huh?  Ooooo, oooooooo, huh?"  

I can see why Julian is one of the "hottest men in adult entertainment."  He's attractive, and he looks like he enjoys himself for the most part.

The music really is as bad as they say.

I can't remember ever seeing a vagina up close like that.  It was interesting.  I'm a little less afraid to look at my own after that, not as worried that I'm freakishly deformed.

I did not get off, but I did get turned on.  Actually, I was surprised how arousing it was.  The first scene was so bad, and the oral sex was just never-ending and didn't do anything for me, but I was pleasantly surprised by my reaction to some of the other scenes.

It would be a lot hotter if everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves.  The scenes that were most arousing were the ones where the actors got noisy and looked authentic.  

The scene where the girl hid her yawn behind her hair was not hot.  But it was funny.

All in all, not a wasted hour.

Retail Therapy

A few months ago Chris and I had a bad night.  He wanted to have sex, and we hadn't in months.  I felt guilty.  Didn't want to, but didn't want to say no.  

Sex often hurts even when I'm very turned on.  When I'm not, it can be excruciating.  Most of the time it takes about 24 hours from the first sexual advance for me to feel ready, and even then there's no guarantee that my body will cooperate.  When I'm aroused but my body doesn't want to play along, lube helps.  When I'm not, there's not enough Sliquid in the world.  

I wasn't, and I should have said no.  

Why didn't I?  There are many reasons.

• Chris was vulnerable.  After years of his sexual advances being rejected, he doesn't make them very often anymore.  I appreciate when he does take the risk, and I want him to know that.  I didn't want to reject him again.
• Conflict avoidance is also a big part of why I didn't say no.  Chris always respects my decision, but it's not easy feeling rejected over and over, and he has not always been nice about it.  There have been some ugly things said in the past.
• Guilt.
• Shame.
• Defiance.  "Normal" women can have sex whether they feel like it or not and it works out just fine.  It's estimated that one third of North American women have low sex drive, and yet the majority of those women continue to have sex with their partner.  Obviously I can do it if I just make my mind up.  (Except, I can't.)

We talked about it, and it is a sign of how far we've come that it didn't turn into a fight.  We didn't blame each other - him blaming me for being this way, me blaming him for not knowing to stop/not start.  We are in this together, working through it.  In some ways I felt it was a good thing.

A month or two later, I tried to initiate sex.  I'd been really making an effort to increase my sex drive by trying to think about sex a lot, reading erotica, trying to masturbate.  It was working, I wanted to have sex.

Chris said no.  

It sent me into a tailspin.  I felt ashamed and extremely vulnerable.  My attempt had not been subtle at all - I was wearing lingerie and waiting at the door.  When he said no, I felt exposed in every sense of the word.  I had spent the whole afternoon making sure I would be ready, I'd been planning the attempt for days.  I looked hot, I felt hot, I was hot.  And then I was very, very cold.

When we talked about it, Chris said that he just didn't want to have sex.  The last time had been too much, he didn't want to hurt me like that, didn't want to risk it going wrong again.  It's not like we've only had that one painful experience.  When we were in marriage counseling he said that he could always tell when it was painful, even when I didn't say anything, and that he hated that sex with him was so unpleasant for me.  He'd made the decision that taking sex out of the equation would be the best thing for our marriage.  There was no blame, no anger, just a decision he'd come to.  

I respected his choice, and appreciated the kind and respectful way he presented it to me.  But I wasn't happy about it.  I felt like it was further evidence of my "permanently damaged" status.  

The next day I visited Babeland.  $300 later I put my credit card back in my wallet and sat back.  There's something to say for retail therapy, and I needed a replacement for my Mini Gallant anyway.

• Lap of Luxury kit, with the Form 6 vibrator, a bottle of Entice lube, three condoms, and a small bottle of toy cleaner
• Porn Starter kit, with The Smart Girl's Guide to Porn and two DVDs - Stuntgirl and Velvet Thrust
• Heidi's Bedtime Stories
• Best Women's Erotica '07
• Best of the Best Women's Erotica

I've never watched porn before.  I've seen some pretty hot sex scenes in movies, but I've never seen an actual pornographic movie.  One of the chapters in the Smart Girl's Guide has to do with what to do for your first porn experience.  She recommends setting the scene by taking a bath or shower, making sure there are no distractions, and having lube, a toy, a towel and the remote handy.  I have tomorrow off, so I think I'll make my first foray into the world of porn.  Velvet Thrust looks a little less intimidating than Stuntgirl, based on the box.

Obviously, retail therapy is not going to solve the problem.  And it would be easy to get into a pattern of using erotica/porn (assuming the porn turns me on) without ever addressing the underlying issues.  Still, sex is supposed to be fun!  It can't be all serious, all the time.

I will report back on the porn.