distancing

I feel freakishly unemotional right now. Maybe I'm shut down? I don't know. I have an appointment with my old counselor at noon today.

This is the longest stretch of not-fighting we've had in a long, long time. Years. We haven't had a fight since Friday. It's been so nice, the not fighting.

Chris is trying really, really hard. He's being so nice. He texted me yesterday to say "I love you", and on Sunday he ended his video game day early.

But I asked him last night "If I stay, what will change?" and he said he didn't know.

I want to write out everything that was said last night. And the night before. It all seems so surreal, though.

"I want to kiss you. I have an intense need to be close to you. I'm losing you."

I said, "The trust is gone, it has been for a long time."

"We've hurt each other so much"

I think...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think he's given up, too. We're not talking about how things could change so that we don't get to this point again. Every time I try to bring it up, he just says he doesn't know. I just want him to talk to me about it, to come up with a plan for us to let us stay together. I don't want to just stay because he's being nice, because we've been heading for this for a long time, and if nothing changes we'll just keep heading down this painful path. We're both so bitter and resentful and angry with each other. It builds and builds and builds. It's been just 5 days without a fight, and that's the longest we've gone in recent memory. Five days!

I guess I am emotional.

I'm smoking again.

I really badly need to talk with someone. I'm glad I was able to get in to see my counselor, even though it's almost a two hour drive away.

I hope I'm not making a huge mistake.

I asked Chris last night if he wanted to see someone, if a counselor would help him. He asked if I wanted him to go to a counselor and I said it was up to him. I need him to come up with a plan here. I want him to suggest marriage counseling, or talk about what we can do differently.

I will miss sleeping with him. No matter how bad things have gotten between us, we always snuggle, every night. (Well, most nights) We are perfectly matched for snuggling. Spooned together, like puzzle pieces.

"I know you're trying. I'm sorry I'm not responding the way you want me to." I said the other night.

"It's okay."

"I never meant to hurt you."

"I never meant to hurt you, either."

-

"You'll leave and you'll feel better because the pain will be gone, and I'll feel worse."

-

It's probably stupid, but I've been reading some of my "how to have an orgasm" books. I haven't been doing any of the exercises - sort of spectacularly not in the mood - but it's there in the back of my mind. Sex brought us to this point. I think at the core of our problems is the sex. The way we don't trust each other, the rejection, the sex. How many times have one or the other of us said "I wish sex just didn't exist" That's been a common refrain for years. If we were both asexual, I think we'd be great together.

But we're not.

Someday I really, really, really want to have an orgasm.