Chris is really making an effort right now. Last night he made me dinner (rack of lamb, couscous, ratatouille, salad) and was really non-combative and we didn't argue about anything. It's good, we have hardly fought at all.
We did talk on Thursday night and it was not exactly pleasant, but I don't think this kind of thing is supposed to be pleasant anyway. He said that if I leave, he'll never forgive me and it will forever change me in his mind. He (finally!) admitted that he "could be happier" with the marriage. It felt like such a relief to finally be able to talk honestly about what our problems are, and not just get the same brush off.
The thing I'm really struggling with is that I feel like I've emotionally checked out. I feel done. When I think about continuing to try, whatever "try" means, it just exhausts me. It's been so many years of trying, so many years of coming up with plans, and having an "up" time, and then crashing down down down, and it seems like every crash brings us lower. More hurtful comments, more rejection, more anger and resentment.
Right now I don't know what would help me stay in the relationship. I can't picture a positive future (which is really, really scary because I am the queen of picturing the future through rosy glasses) I just can't picture anything but more of the same.
I've given up.
I'm trying to have NOT given up. I'm trying to be civil and open and keep myself engaged, but it's a constant struggle. I really feel like I need some space and some distance. Maybe just temporarily, but definitely I need it.
Not sure if Chris will be okay with a temporary thing, though. He sounded like if I walk out the door, I'm never coming back.
Anyway, I'm looking for a place to rent, and I have a few leads on different jobs. I'm applying at a couple places, but haven't heard anything yet. I have bad days and medium days, and even some good days. The idea of moving out feels so liberating and exciting. No more eggshells, no more fighting. Obviously I know that this will not solve my problems (in fact, it will create all kinds of problems) but... it feels so right.
I got this book about deciding if you should stay or if you should go. I'm going to work through the exercises and see what comes up in that process. I don't want to make any stupid, rushed decisions.
You know what would be easy?
Having an affair, so I can get the connection and sexual part of myself fulfilled, and staying in my marriage for the stability and friendship and companionship.
That would be easy. It would have all kinds of problems attached, but it would be so much easier than this painful and confusing space I'm in now. Just - hot sex, and calm marriage. Perfect.
But I couldn't do it.
You know how you have a template of yourself? A view of yourself at your best, your ideal self. You think of yourself as "cool" or "smart" or "thrifty" or whatever. At the heart of my vision of myself is that I am honest. Ethical. Considerate. Principled.
Having an affair would betray all of that, and I think the cognitive dissonance would just do me in. I'd go nuts.
So, why can't I have the passionate sex with Chris?
He wants to, he says. And I do believe him. But it's just not there. The attraction is not there. I find Chris very attractive, and always have, but the sexual chemistry just feels totally dead. I'm reading all these books about sex and sexuality, and I can picture myself being sexual, but I can't put Chris in that picture.
It feels like all the comments have reached critical mass, and I've cut myself off from that part of our relationship. Comments like "we're not sexually compatible and we never will be" and "you don't really want to have sex" and "you'll never have a normal sex life." I know that everyone says unkind things in the heat of the moment, but there have been so many of those comments. So many. I don't want to keep trying, to keep opening myself up to that kind of criticism and comment.
I think if I stay in the marriage, I will have to have resigned myself to a mostly sexless life. There are lots of good things in my marriage, but I don't know if that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.