I've been thinking about sex a lot.
My fantasy life has been off-the-rails these last couple weeks, a non-stop lust-fest in my head.
When I talk about sex, when I talk about my marriage, it's always about how horrible everything is. The constant fighting. The rejection. The fact that I want to get laid but it never happens.
Obviously that's not the whole story - Chris and I have been together nearly a decade - 8 years! - and we do love each other and we are, in many ways, a good pair. But whenever I talk about it...
The problem, one of the problems, is that it feels so hopeless. We aren't really sexually compatible, or at least that's how it feels and that's what he's said many times. The question was posed earlier - does he know that I don't like sex when I first wake up or when I'm falling asleep? Yes! I don't even know how many times I've said it, but yes. He knows. It just doesn't factor in.
For a while I thought that foreplay would solve the problem (I still think that foreplay is a critical missing element) so I said things like "let's make out for half an hour before we have sex", because just saying "let's make out" wasn't clear enough and we ended up in the same position of kiss, grope, fuck within ten minutes and damn it, that just doesn't work for me. So I said "half an hour" Rather than it helping, it caused all kinds of problems. I was "setting too many rules" etc, etc.
Thinking about it makes me angry.
There are all these exercises we're supposed to do, things that have been given to me by counselors, or to us by the person we were seeing together. Have we done them? No.
Thinking about that makes me angry, too.
Lately I have been turned on a lot. I keep thinking about sex, and wanting it. It keeps me up at night, wakes me up in the morning.
Chris can tell something is different and he's been responding to me. I don't know how I feel about that. I feel like maybe this could be a good thing for our marriage, but then I also feel like maybe the fact that I can respond like this to someone else indicates that there's something wrong between us. And, ugh, I can't believe I wrote that and am thinking it.
I've been thinking so much about starting over. I'm not the same person I was eight years ago, and I feel trapped and helpless in my life. We've had a really bad few months, the fighting has been almost non-stop.
The day after I saw L., Sunday, I had the whole day off. This doesn't happen, ever. The last time was months ago, and the next time is May 10. Chris had plans to get together with a friend for video games - the same friend he sees almost weekly to play a whole day of games with. I asked if he would cancel and spend the day with me, and he said no.
It's not the first time, it won't be the last time, and I just can't get over it. He apologized when he realized how upset I was (but still spent the day with his friend) but I can't get over it. I can't get past the fact that he set his priorities out for me right there, like he has many times in the past. Do I want that marriage? The one where it's comfortable and predictable and passionless? The one where I'm not the priority? The one that's so good in some ways and so horribly soul-crushing in others? Is there any other kind? Can I gamble on finding something better, or do I instead gamble on making this better?
Fuck.
I have a new theme song.
Stop Thinking About It
Joey Ramone
Stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it
Dwelling is driving me crazy
Obsessing don't you know where that's at
Yeh, you don't know what you want but you want it
Stop thinking about it (4x)
This world is driving you crazy
Baby don't you know where that's at
Yeh, you don't know what you want but you want it
Oh oh oh oh oh you don't know what you want but you want it
Stop thinking about it (4x)
Ahh nothing lasts forever
And nothing stays the same
Feeling numb all over
And totally deranged
When you finally make your mind up
I'll be buried in my grave
O yeah o yeah o yeah
Allright
You don't know what you want
You don't know what you need
You don't know what you want but you want it
Joey Ramone
Stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it
Dwelling is driving me crazy
Obsessing don't you know where that's at
Yeh, you don't know what you want but you want it
Stop thinking about it (4x)
This world is driving you crazy
Baby don't you know where that's at
Yeh, you don't know what you want but you want it
Oh oh oh oh oh you don't know what you want but you want it
Stop thinking about it (4x)
Ahh nothing lasts forever
And nothing stays the same
Feeling numb all over
And totally deranged
When you finally make your mind up
I'll be buried in my grave
O yeah o yeah o yeah
Allright
You don't know what you want
You don't know what you need
You don't know what you want but you want it
2 comments:
The grass isn't always greener. I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be in something stable and routine. It is odd how we can be like that....so stuck on what we don't have.
Maybe he is like me (God i hope my ex was not thinking what you are though).
I find it a waste snogging for longer than 1min... I would rather just get to screwing and everything else.
Maybe this is why girl on girl is so good (For girls) and they love this type of thing. I think once your with someone for over 6months snogging just dies for men... Sad to say... or maybe its just ME :)
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