Aftermath

"Are you having doubts about our marriage?"
"... I don't know..."
"That's a yes."

"Maybe we don't want to have sex. Maybe we reject each other subconsciously because we want to hurt each other."

"We're not sexually attracted to each other anymore."

"You may be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality, but you're not comfortable with me."

It was a long day. It went something like this -

We woke up, no alarm clock, happy and rested. We snuggled, he had "morning wood", we joked around, kissed, got up.

In the kitchen we made out. Danced around the topic. I didn't want to have sex yet, sleep shuts my libido down, but I was open to the idea later. It was unspoken, but it felt okay. We spent the morning hugging, touching, kissing.

We went our separate ways for a couple hours. I came back downstairs, feeling ready. Awkward - I don't do this often -

"I think we should..."
"What?"
"You know..."
"Get groceries?"
"No!" laughing
"Go out for dinner?"
"No... you know..."
"What?"
"Have sex!" catch in my throat, nervous
"Oh."
"It's okay if you don't want to. I won't take it personally."
"Okay."

Fizzle. He was tired, hungry, didn't want to. But it was okay, we were still having a good day. Things were tense, but not terrible.

We had a nap. I didn't want to nap, naps make me cranky and sluggish, but I did want to snuggle. We napped. The alarm went off. He wanted to have sex. I didn't. Before sleep or after sleep I have a really hard time getting turned on.

I said "I'm sleepy, I have a headache, not right now."

He said "Are you sure you don't want to have sex today?"

I said "I already asked you to have sex! I do want to have sex. Just not right now."

He kissed me. And kept kissing me. I turned my head away, tried to snuggle into his neck. It made me angry, I felt like I was just a body. Eventually we got up.

Did our own thing for a while. He was seething, I was confused. He made dinner. I half-heartedly tried to initiate sex. I did feel better, and I did want to have sex, but it wasn't sincere like it had been earlier. He was angry, upset that I had rejected him twice, didn't want anything to do with me.

We spent the evening in opposite corners.

When we spoke, it was ugly.

"Are you having doubts about our marriage?"
".... I don't know..."
"That's a yes."